Describe the first time you recall thinking your looks were changing, or what we call the ‘uh-oh’ moment? Tell us about yours?
Category: Question of the Week | Tags: aging, beauty, change, looks, questions, self-image 20 comments »
20 Responses to “Describe the first time you recall thinking your looks were changing, or what we call the ‘uh-oh’ moment? Tell us about yours?”
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February 12th, 2010 at 5:43 pm
so many uh oh moments but let’s start with the time i realized my sleeveless days were over. I am in shape, slender but the wrinkly arms seem here to stay. yes, I have become my mother.
February 13th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
I stopped coloring my hair … the color is not mousy gray, but it looks DRAB to me. Where’s the shine? I feel too young to look old.
February 13th, 2010 at 10:20 pm
Uh-oh moments come at different times and in different ways in the lives of women. It’s recognizing that these moments may start on the surface — like graying hair or sagging skin –but they evoke feelings that run deep into the core of who we are as women. These are not ’skin deep’ feelings, but ones that are much more complicated and should lead to being supportive of ourselves, not critical. If we understand that, we can be more thoughtful about how to make our “uh-oh, I look old” moments into “how can I take care of myself” ones.
–Dr. Vivian
February 18th, 2010 at 1:22 am
When you have that “uh-oh” moment, whether it be seeing your reflection in a store window or that first gray hair, acknowledge it, accept it, and then put it where it belongs – in perspective.
-Dr. Jill
February 19th, 2010 at 7:05 pm
My first “uh-oh moment” was when my legs (previously my best feature and frequently the source of compliments) started getting spider veins. I bought a product designed to be used on the body to conceal flaws, and it rubbed off onto my chair at work. Embarrassing! It was time to say goodbye to skirts and shorts. If I wore a skirt, I had to wear two pairs of pantyhose for double the coverage–hardly worth the trouble. Cellulite followed shortly thereafter, which pretty much sealed the deal that my legs were no longer my favorite feature.
My second “uh-oh moment” was while looking in the mirror getting ready for work one morning, and after I applied my makeup I remember thinking, “Something is different. What’s different? I did my eyes but they just don’t look as pretty as they usually do after I put on eye makeup.” I later realized that this was the first sign of my eyes beginning to droop.
The strange part is that a few weeks after that I was in an accident and suffered facial scarring, which was a very difficult period of my life. I would have given anything at that point to have my biggest beauty problem be that I looked “old.” After a long time I was able to have the scarring corrected and now it is barely noticeable.
I still do get a bit disappointed with the increasing signs of aging, but maybe I’m a little more tolerant of it after my past experience because at least aging is a natural and gradual process. I would like to see it become viewed less negatively in society, though. There should be more older models in magazines. Maybe if older women were portrayed by the media as attractive, full, complete, productive (and even desirable) women, there would be less ageism in the workplace and in society in general. And by the way, using older women in advertisements on products to make you look more youthful doesn’t count as a good way to achieve a goal of acceptance that old doesn’t equal unattractive. How about older women just modeling nice clothing?
February 19th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Carol, your honest and authentic response to our question of the week can be so helpful to other women facing similar feelings about their ‘uh-oh’ moments. The problem we are all confronting is a culture that demands women to be inauthentic to be beautiful; “‘defy or deny” our age to be attractive? If we all could appreciated and be proud of who we genuinely are, we would feel AND look more attractive. It’s trying to be what other tell us is beautiful that leave us feeling “uh-oh.” — Dr. Vivian
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:06 pm
I looked in the car mirror when i was 27… and tried to wipe a black from mark from my chin… rubbed and rubbed… before realizing that it was My Very First Chin Hair. *arrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg* that’s it it’s over! I flashed on myself in the future, old, ugly and roaming the streets in a bathrobe.
Ahhh, the depths of my misery. *sigh* I’d watched my mom tweeze hairs on her chin growing up and just never realized it would happen to me! Now i looked at my old skool, frills-free Greek mom with new eyes… eyes that made a laundry list of calamities that awaited me. Grey hair (100% by the time she hit 40) and cellulite on everything under the neck but her chubby fingers.
The good news: I got over it. I realized that I was getting older… but also wiser… and something so easy to pluck (!) should not a suicide make. And I felt awesome… until My Very Second Chin Hair…
February 23rd, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Marianne – We need to join together to share the kind of wisdom we learn though experiences like yours. Keep them coming. Some women get stuck at the first “uo-oh” moment and are unable to move forward. If we all give each other support to get past them, we might actually think less about becoming ‘old, ugly’ street-roaming women and anticipate living longer vital lives that combine wisdom with beauty –Dr Vivian .
February 23rd, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Sherry, the trick is learning how to match how you look to how you feel, not by making radical changes to the outside, but by doing the right kind of internal work. Take a look at our book, Face it. The steps really work for women who “feel too young to look old.” There is no reason to go through life anticipating each day with this bad feeling –you are just losing time you could be enjoying yourself. Before you know it, you’ll look back and wish you had taken more pleasure in these years. Dr. Vivian
March 13th, 2010 at 4:57 am
My first moment of really seeing myself as getting older was during a hard business trip out of town. Previously, when I caught site of my reflection in windows on “bad” days at work, I would make some mental excuse about hair, lighting and so forth. But this changed during one of the many out of town trips made during my late 40s. I saw myself clearly in the mirror one night while getting ready for a formal dinner with clients. I was tired and it showed. All evening I kept my face frozen in what I hoped was an uplifted smile so as not to seem old and tired. In marketing they would tell us we had to be perfect when we encountered the client because we had only a few seconds to make a good impression. During that evening I thought about alot of things-getting older and how it was going to impact my job, as well as the vanity issue associated with starting to look my age. And then there was the worst thought of all-the loss of possiblities due to age. I thought I wasn’t ready, I stil felt young inside and wanted to have a life ahead of me, not be put on the shelf. I have since left that field. I found it unhealthy in many ways to be measured by such subjective criteria as the way a person looks.
March 14th, 2010 at 2:41 am
sharon -
Sharon -
We call this the “have a resume that reflects years of experience but a face that looks like you’ve had none!”
It’s a terrible dilemma that women of today face.
But, that said, has your current job changed or influenced your experience of yourself? If it has, then your subjective experience was accurate and therefore you can trust your perceptions; though not always like them. If not, you might want to reevaluate the way you see and define yourself.
In either case I hope you’ll take a look at our book for both support and understanding.
Dr. Jill
March 15th, 2010 at 2:55 am
I am planning on getting the book for myself and both my daughters who are in their 20’s. It doesn’t hurt to start early.
After my “moment” I ended up in therapy. I found I had a long term illness that was made worse by my work. Its a form of epilespy that “hides” as mental illness.
Once I saw the challenges I would have to met in order to regain and retain my quality of life, I realized that my working environment and all the lessons I had learned were rather awful.
Things don’t change unless each of us start to change them. I decided I didn’t want to be motivated by fear any longer.
But just those decisions and the things I was dealing with didn’t completely change me. My oldest still tells me she sees the shadow of my former self. We talk about how it all got started going back several generations and examining rules and conversations.
I may still struggle with my conflicts but I want my daughters to be free.
Thanks for writing the book.
March 19th, 2010 at 5:38 pm
I have always struggled with the thought of aging, since I was in my 20’s. I am in my early 40’s and the pain of aging still remains. I have always been told how beautiful I am, people think I am in my early 30’s. I shy away from comments like that and just assume it was small talk. I feel once you hit 40 you disappear into the crowd. Upsetting that this is such a problem with so many women, I look forward to reading this book.
March 20th, 2010 at 8:13 pm
Colleen,
The fear of aging is often less about aging itself and more to do with what it means to us. You might want to think about why it became such a concern of yours at such an early age. Ask yourself why there might be such a gap between how you see yourself and how others see you.
I hope you find our book helpful.
Dr. Jill
March 31st, 2010 at 12:22 pm
My biggest feelings of aging have been this year. I’m 63, and have had the good fortune to cheat mother nature until this year.
At the age of 50 I renewed a career passion by singing professionally for 10 years. I sang in large venues in front of theatre audiences and received wonderful accolades about my singing and my looks. Talk about the power of midlife women. I never felt so alive. Then, around the age of 60, I broke my foot in a biking accident and had to have several months of physical therapy. The accident left me in pain, and I thought this would be the right time to retire. I don’t regret my decision, as I think it is best to quit at the top of your game, although I know that many singers continue into dotage.
I am enjoying my retirement and the free time it gives me to pursue hobbies, etc. but I am saddened by my aging face. I am most upset when I have to see relatives and old friends who have said “you haven’t changed a bit”. I am afraid they will look into my face this year and see how much I have changed. When you have “cheated mother nature well into your fifties, like I have, my anxiety of being “found out”, is tremendous. I am also afraid of getting ugly.
March 31st, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Joan, I really think you would find comfort and help by reading our book, ‘Face It.” There is a generation of women struggling with similar feelings and some are beginning to resolve them with a positive outcome. From what you describe, I’m convinced that there is a better way for you to approach the feelings you describe. When others look into your face and say “you haven’t changed a bit.” we know that is not how you or most women REALLY feel. That’s why we named our book, “Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change.” Of course we have changed, inside and out. That’s the point. But, if we can acknowledge those changes and mourn them, we can emerge with less sadness, anxiety and fear of “getting ugly,” as you described. That feeling is coming from an internal experience that we know you can work on. Please try reading our six steps and let us know if they help. You seem to have so much to offer your family and friends, including your beauty. It’s there for you to find. Dr. Vivian
April 4th, 2010 at 2:02 am
I would like to respond to Joan’s comment of March 31st: Joan, thank you for so plainly putting into words what so many of us are feeling…we beat around the bush about how we verbalize it, but the plain truth is we are fearful of “getting ugly.” It is a scary thought in a society that places so much value on looks. It translates to fear of being considered less worthy as a person, because if in our society beauty = worthiness and validity as a person, then it stands to reason that lack of beauty would = unworthiness and invalidation. As a result, unattractive people are sometimes taken less seriously, paid less attention to, have to much more competent than a “pretty” person to get the same job at the same salary, on and on.
Fear of getting old (and “ugly”) in so many words = fear of loss of love, esteem, respect, friendship, being taken seriously, and paid attention to. But it is a very shallow society that creates this sort of fear. Nonetheless, we can’t deny that our society has bought into this concept. It’s all around us–the pretty girl who always gets out of a traffic ticket because the cops think she’s cute, the handsome young man or attractive woman who is welcomed into a sales position dealing with the public because the boss feels his/her looks will help sales, etc. (And it probably does indeed help sales because the consumer is also entranced by the seller’s good looks and is more likely to buy their product–as nonsensical as that is.) This is our world. Is it any surprise that we would be afraid to get old and “ugly”?
April 4th, 2010 at 2:47 am
Carol, you write courageously about feelings so many women share. But I suggest, as a group, we react with even more courage. If we don’t push back and respond to a society that places such emphasis on youth and beauty, surely we will all feel like victims. We all age. Our looks change, no matter how we once looked. But by standing firm about what we believe is attractive at age 40, 50, even 80 or 90, we do not not have to feel that getting old means getting ugly. Nor does the fear of getting old have to be equated with fear of becoming ugly. Feeling ugly or pretty is more about how we feel about our selves anyway. I’ve worked with young models who feel unattractive and women in their 90s who say they feel attractive. So, perhaps the power of our culture to convince us the old is ugly is a power we can take into our own hands. That’s what I’ve learned by writing Face It. I hope you’ll read it and tell me if it changes your perspective. Dr. Vivian
May 26th, 2011 at 11:08 pm
I knew I was picking up the middle age spread, it is part of life, but I was still wearing a size 8. My hair was gray at the temples, but that was cool, I know I looked distinguished. I could still strut my high heels, I could still dance to the beat. I can text, use the lap top and understand a myriad of computer terms, but THE GRAY HAIR ON MY CHIN on no! I knew I was old not only was the gray hair on my chin, BUT the GRAY HAIR was on my DOUBLE CHIN. The double chin that I was totally denying. (This was on my 54th birth year). What could I say. I denied it. That is not my double chin and the gray hair is not on the double chin that I am denying!!! What do you do? Pulll it out, oh yeah, it does come back another day. A day at the SPA has a genuine purpose now!!
October 25th, 2011 at 2:09 am
I have 4 children,2 girls,I always taught them what my mom had taught me,no matter how tired you are always take off your make-up,always make sure you have skin cream especially night cream. I’m 70 yrs. old. I modeled in N.Y. many years ago and hated all the make-up and taking it off, so I always told my girls as they aged”less is better”, I felt the more you used the more flaws shoulded. My skin today is wonderful for my age, no real wrinkles at all. Yet i’ve let my hair go grey because I wanted that experiance amnd I LOVE IT!! After so many yrs. of modeling for hair products, I was so happy to finally be rid of it!! Being on S.S. now the worst problem I have is I have a tooth missing and can’t afford to get it fixed,of course this is where vanity enters,so I still look much younger as long as I keep my mouth shut lol…
my secreat I guess is to always put night cream on day and night,don’t over-do the make-up,keep your weight in check, and even when problems hit you try hard to keep a positive outlook, not always easy as I got bad news today.
love from an old lady that feels 30. hug and much love to you all,from the aged to the younger woman. xxoo
p.s. I shave my chin everyday,that happens after 50. xxoo