What do you do to avoid facing your aging looks? We call these ‘masks’ and want to know what yours might be.
Category: Question of the Week | Tags: Face It, looking and feeling good, Masks, questions 15 comments »
15 Responses to “What do you do to avoid facing your aging looks? We call these ‘masks’ and want to know what yours might be.”
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February 21st, 2010 at 3:58 am
I find myself doing all sorts of things to avoid ‘dwelling’ on my aging looks –like keeping active, staying in good shape and creating new projects for myself. But I don’t really mask the natural process of aging with anything in particular. Maybe before I wrote ‘Face It’ I did, but now I accept the changes I see and stare my midlife looks in the eye with tolerance
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:56 pm
I am finding myself not wanting to go “out” to be with people. I feel like I have to “do” too much to get ready to be/show my best, so I have become more of a hermit than I would like. Before the aging process started to show up (57 now,) I could spend a shorter time putting on some makeup and then going out. I really don’t like feeling invisible, when I used to get many “looks” from others.
Lots to learn about vainty!
I look forward to connecting with your research and writing about this topic.
I often wonder what our mothers did as they went through this process – they didn’t have any of the resources we do now-a-days.
Nancy
February 23rd, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Nancy – Withdrawing for other people doesn’t seem like a great solution. Perhaps you could consider making a shift from the value you place on the ‘looks’ you used to get to finding other enjoyable ways to bring attention to you? Smiling, sharing experiences, connecting to others may give you a new kind of satisfaction that is available to you for the rest of your life. Try being open to new versions of being appealing to yourself and others. Giving into the belief that you become invisible as you age, is giving into our culture’s very narrow definition of what is considered ‘worth looking at.!’ –Dr. Vivian
February 23rd, 2010 at 5:26 pm
my masks? focusing too much on the children and using them as shields for my not having time to take care of myself more. fine for now…but when they are gone….then what will my new masks be?
February 24th, 2010 at 2:57 am
mw -you might want to think about why you look for reasons to not take care of yourself. What would taking care of yourself look like? How would it feel?
Dr. Jill
February 25th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
I buy clothes, youthful but not young…..but its getting harder and harder to find things I like but also find appropriate for my 56 years in my semi rural,
suburban area of the country. I wish there were more things to hang onto, but here’s the dilemma; having been a stay-at-home mother who is now “out of a job”
I don’t even have an identity to hold on do….
February 26th, 2010 at 4:10 am
emgee,
A friend of mine recently said she never realized that having children was just a phase in your life.
When your identity for so long is defined by what you do for others you lose sight of who you are – separate from that role.
Try and think about who you were before children and who you would like to be beyond children.
Change and transitions always involve loss, so in that sense you need to mourn who you’ve been for so long to move on to who you might now become.
Dr.jill
February 26th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
One, I avoid looking in the mirror. Two, I put my imagination to good use. I’m writing a YA novel with a 15 year old protagonist so I spend gobs of time each day in the mind set of a teenager. Good times!
My favorite trick is to pretend I’m 85 years old (I’m really 54) and then look in the mirror. My goodness I look good for 85!
I am rarely bothered by “the loss of my looks”. When I do, it’s usually some media thing in my face. But you can be Elin Woods and have your hubster cheating on you. Looks do not matter THAT much.
March 1st, 2010 at 10:44 pm
I feel insignificant with the loss of beauty. We are all so measured by our youth and how good we can look at a certain age… it feels as though I am lying to myself by saying that it does not bother me. It is difficult ot ignore other people’s reaction that often times makes me feel invisible. The love of myself I now realize has been only skin deep and completely superficial. My loss of youthfulness now makes me realize that I never knew “me” or loved “me” even before my children which saddens me somewhat. Finding myself should be invigorating and rejuvenating. A fresh new look on life!!
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:07 am
Kara,
Your observation about yourself is far from superficial and quite insightful.
Maybe you’re shortchanging yourself in thinking that you’ve become invisible with the loss of youthful beauty.
Now is the time to recognize and define your worth beyond your looks!
Dr. jill
March 24th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
My mask is to “arm” myself with a degree of chic & glamour before I leave the house to face the public – otherwise, I am w/o makeup – & in jeans & t-shirts. But if I don’t have the energy, the chi, to “arm” myself – I don’t go out at all….I spend a lot (for my income) on clothes and my wardrobe in general – also spend $ on makeup , etc. – even tho I am a pennypincher! see my blog above for details about my travails.
March 26th, 2010 at 12:50 am
Pamela,
Contemplate for a moment – What’s at risk of being exposed if you’re not “armed”?
Dr. Jill
March 31st, 2010 at 11:55 am
My best mask is to defy my emotions and step out and feel good about myself. Leave the house, go to my gym, swim laps, smile at other members and enjoy myself. I have developed a sort of constructive anger that tells me that I deserve to enjoy this stage of my life and stop worrying about my looks. I think I am defying the values that were instilled in childhood. That’s not to say that I still don’t pull up my face to see how I would look without jowels, but I know that my true beauty comes from my zest for life and the warmth eminating from within, and not just the surface. A sad, unsmiling face is still not beautiful, even without lines.
March 31st, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Joan, Just curious. Have you read our book, Face It? If not, I’m interested in what you think about it. You write that your mask is “to defy.” It’s an interesting word to use, because some women describe defiance of their age when they mean denial. Your defiance doesn’t seem like it involves pushing the experience of aging out of your conscious awareness. Rather, you seem to be dealing with your aging appearance with a healthy balance of acknowledgment and coping skills. We all need to face the reality that our looks matter, but that looks change. There are more ways to feel beautiful than holding onto our youthful self image and you seem to have gotten that right. Zest, warmth and a great smile never have to go away at any age. Spread the word. If you have read our book, please share it with others! Dr. Vivian
May 6th, 2010 at 4:10 am
I use hairstyles and eye shadow as masks. At age 36, I went to an MD about pain I was having and her comment to me was. . .”Well, you ARE almost 40!” It’s taken me almost 2 years to come to terms, loving terms, with that comment. I got married this year, and my make up artist was so helpful. And looking at the untouched photos, I really DON’T look bad. AT ALL! It really helped me to see myself when I was so very happy, and really SEE what I looked like. So, I’m refocusing, and just letting myself be, one day at a time, whatever it is I feel like that day. It’s healthier than before, and feels better than my past emotional choices!