Imagine your mother talking to you and tell us what you think she would say about your aging appearance?
Category: Question of the Week | Tags: aging, beauty, midlife, self-image 19 comments »
19 Responses to “Imagine your mother talking to you and tell us what you think she would say about your aging appearance?”
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March 21st, 2010 at 5:04 pm
My mother aged very early and looked old to me as long as I can remember. Having lived through WW II as a holacaust survivor in the Warsaw ghetto, she had poor teeth and bones probably as a result of poor nutrition. Her hair had fallen out and she wore a wig by the time she was 40. But, she remained appreciative of the life she had in America and the lives she helped her children create in this country. So, I think if she were alive today and could see me as my looks were changing, she would probably think I looked pretty good for my age. I sometimes think of her words in my head to help me deal with the changes I see, reminding me to be glad to have had an easier life then she did. I plan to take care of myself in a way she couldn’t, hopefully extending the health of my body well into my 90s. She would be very happy about that.
March 22nd, 2010 at 4:23 pm
My mother just turned 73 and I’m aboout to turn 53. If I were to say something about “looking older”, she might make a few sympathetic comments, some murmurings about how lovely I look anyway, and then the subject would turn to something atogether different.
The women in my family verbally communicate about being fit, eating right, exercising our spiritual muscles, and laughing alot together… we collectively bemoan the wrinkes, lines, and droops – but don’t go much beyond the superficial.
Now that I think about it, we are always telling each other “You look beautiful” – as though we were peering beyond the skin and commenting on the energy within – or at least, that’s what I do.
But I find that at moments, when I am alone, I stil mourn the passage of youth. And that’s something we don’t discuss…
March 22nd, 2010 at 6:52 pm
Natalie,
and maybe you would like to, maybe even more than you know…
Why don’t you try and start that conversation – I think you’ll find it will make you and the women in your family feel more connected in a very meaningful way.
Dr. Jill
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:43 pm
My mother was one of those who never left the house without her makeup on. She was extremely looks conscious. Until she was dying of cancer at the age of 58. I remember one time offering to fix her makeup and do her hair hoping it would cheer her up since she liked it so much when I was a girl, and she said “it doesn’t matter anymore. It shouldn’t have ever mattered.” That was a real life lesson for me. In the end, you can’t take good looks with you and that’s the truth. Better to put the enegies into accomplisments and loving others rather than having to be “pretty and perfect.”
March 22nd, 2010 at 9:36 pm
Sabrina, it’s sad that you mom died at such a young age. If only we could face what is important in life when we still have years laying ahead of us. That’s the message we are trying to pass along through our book Face It. Many women get so caught up with feelings of loss as their looks change at midlife when we still have years, (perhaps decades if we are lucky), to live full, vital lives. So let’s enjoys our achievements and accomplishments and let that joy show on our faces. That’s what being beautiful is really about, isn’t it? Dr. Vivian
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:08 am
I am 46 and my mother who is 68 years old always knows by looking at my face if I am happy or not. She says she notices right away, because when I am unhappy, my eyes get dull and there is a glow that vanishes from my face. She is not concern with my beauty, but does tell me to always try to look my best and take care of my skin and weight. I tend to neglect myself and she always manages to bring me back on track. Although my mom is 68 years old she acts like a teenager. If I get old like her I would consider myself very fortunate.
March 24th, 2010 at 1:55 pm
Mariana, We all should be as lucky as you to have mothers who look inside of us, rather than the surface. There a lot of mothers who can’t get beyond what their daughters are wearing, how their skin looks, the style of their hair –too long, too short. Some women tell us their moms offer them the ‘truth’ as no one else does, but if the truth is focused on the surface, it isn’t the kind that is all that helpful. It can feel discouraging that the person who should love you unconditionally makes you feel badly about yourself. The reality is that often mothers who are critical don’t feel good about themselves. If your mom sees in your eyes a lack of happiness, then talk to her about it. She probably knows you like no one else does and just saying out loud what you are feeling might be helpful. If your mom reminds you to take care of herself, then hear her voice in your head and use it to support you. It will help you as your looks change. And, if you have children, it will help them too. Dr. Vivian
March 24th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
I think my mother would compliment me on my graceful aging – altho I know she could possibly carp about my weight – but she had very similar problems at my age. That’s what scares me – my mother had a “dewlap”& when I see a slight lack of definition in my chin, I panic – is a dewlap next? I have concentrated a lot of my ego in my face – as I have never had a fashionable body – & faces do tend to “go” – And altho I am staving off age – it is still right there around the corner….scaring the daylights out of me…
March 24th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
I think my mother would compliment me on my graceful aging – altho I know she could possibly carp about my weight – but she had very similar problems at my age. That’s what scares me – my mother had a “dewlap”& when I see a slight lack of definition in my chin, I panic – is a dewlap next? I have concentrated a lot of my ego in my face – as I have never had a fashionable body – & faces do tend to “go” – And altho I am staving off age – it is still right there around the corner….scaring the daylights out of me…
March 26th, 2010 at 12:28 am
Pamela,
You say that aging “scares the daylights out of you” but you also seem to be saying that you fear looking like your mother as you age. The relationship between a mother and daughter is a complex one, loaded with many mixed emotions. You may find the chapter in our book, “What Do Moms Have To Do With It” particularly enlightening in this regard.
Dr. Jill
March 29th, 2010 at 4:16 pm
My mom is at 82 still age conscious as in “most people cannot BELIEVE I have even turned 80″, but also tries to look on the bright side and make the best of it.
So I imagine she would say something like:
Look at you from behind! You look like a teenager!
She also still introduces me, at 52, as Eva, my little girl, as opposed to my sister who is 53…
March 30th, 2010 at 3:54 am
Eva,
In the mind’s eye time can stand still. How your mom wants to see herself and you and your sister is clearly through that lens.
But whose eyes do you see yourself through?
Dr. Jill
March 30th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
My mother is 93 and aged prematurely, with very wrinkled skin at a very early age. All my life she has been hyper critical of any of my physical flaws. Weight, hair etc. Now that I am 63 and really seeing everything “go south”, the aging process has been very difficult for me. My mother doesn’t say anything, but gives me the eagle eye and then will say, “I’m proud that my skin hasn’t changed too much with the passage of time.” It’s her way of comparing herself to me and saying that after seeing my skin, she doesn’t feel so bad. I have not opted for any facial enhancement, but think about it a lot.
March 31st, 2010 at 3:21 am
Joan,
It certainly sounds like your mother tries to make herself feel better at your expense.
Instead of thinking about facial enhancement consider how her judgmental remarks must make you feel.
Dr.Jill
April 4th, 2010 at 2:45 am
If my mom saw me she’d definitely tell me to cut my hair. I heard that all through my youth and often caved in to it, never liking the result. I just never felt “me” in short hair and didn’t feel it looked good on me anyway. When I was in my late 20’s I started wearing it long and pretty much never turned back except for one period where I had to cut it after a bad perm. I’m in my early 50’s now, and it’s still long, though much thinner, and I will probably have to cut it soon so it won’t look as straggly, but I don’t plan on ever really going “short,” possibly a little past the shoulders is as short as I’d go. My mom liked short hair because she thought it was more stylish/chic, but I don’t necessarily agree–I think it depends on the person and the style.
While longer hair on women used to be unusual, I think it has become more common in recent years. I like the versatility of longer hair–usually I just don’t want to fuss and throw it in a ponytail or braid. Some of the shorter styles seem to be more trouble to keep “just so,” while longer hair can be a bit messy/wavy and that’s sort of a style in itself these days, kind of casual/sexy/boho/whatever you want it to be.
As far as the rest of me, my mom would probably think my weight was pretty good for my age, although ideally I’d like to lose at least 10 pounds.
As for my mom, she passed away in her early 60’s, and I think she was beautiful and loved her very much. (Even if she did try to change my hairstyle and we had our share of mother/daughter differences–hey, no mother-daughter relationship is perfect.) It also makes me smile that my daughter resembles her, because it feels like a little part of her was left behind with her genetic material, and that helps somewhat when I miss her.
April 4th, 2010 at 3:10 am
Carol, One of the nicest things about getting older, is the freedom we feel to make choices that are our own. Some women hear their mother’s voices in their head, sometime criticizing them even after their mother’s have passed, and it keeps them from feeling free to enjoy their appearance as they age. It’s refreshing to hear that you are continuing to wear your hair long because you chose to. Long or short, it’s about finding ways to enjoy our appearance even as we age. And it’s nice to hear that you see your mom in the face of your daughter and that you remember her fondly. I find that as we age, many women find ways to accept their mothers for who they are. I wondered, do you let your daughter chose to wear her hair as she pleases? I have the feeling you do! Dr. Vivian
July 10th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
When I was maybe 8 or 9 I was a little “chubby”–not much, maybe just a couple of pounds more than other kids, but enough that I was teased. When I came to my Mom about how it made me feel (she was perfectly proportioned height/weight) she just very lovingly said “Oh no you’re not chubby honey, you are beautiful!” I truly think she believed that, but she didn’t understand that I didn’t FEEL that way. I was asking for love, support and help, and basically she said “You’re wrong to feel that way.”
So now, as I see my face sagging (and if I had the money I definitely would get a face lift, just a gentle pull back of the deepening lines from nose to chin–the mirror of my Mom shows me how this will progress) I would never say anything to her. For one, if I did say something I would feel it was disrespectful to her because her face has aged much more than mine, and two, I would expect her response to be the same “Oh, no honey. You aren’t aging at all.”
July 12th, 2010 at 11:35 am
Perhaps it would have been more helpful if your mom would have said to you as a little girl, “I know it must make you feel awful to be teased, but to me, you are beautiful.” Feeling that a mother understands you is key, especially during adolescence. Perhaps you would have felt that what you experienced wasn’t wrong, or distorted, but rather typical of what teens feel at that age. Perhaps you would have been better able to deal with that difficult time more productively.
Now, when you look at yourself, you can try say the words you wished your mom would have said. “It’s understandable to have feelings about an aging face (e.g. sadness, anxiety or frustration).” But remember, to add the supportive words your mom said. She, and others who love you, will likely see you as beautiful in their eyes. That’s a good thing. That doesn’t mean you can’t work to enhance the way you look. Be supportive like your mom was, while you are empathic with how you feel. You are now your own mirror. Dr. Vivian
September 8th, 2010 at 2:33 am
I am 64 years old and have spent a great deal of time in my life over coming the hurtful remarks my mother made about my appearance until she died at age seventy-six.
I reached my adult height by the time I was eleven years old and she called me “Moose,” “Two Ton Tilly,” “Mack Truck,” and other names just as flattering.
She would say to me , “You don’t look fat until you start to eat,” Stand up straight, you look like a humpback,” etc. etc. Words such as these caused so much damage to my self esteem that it took years of my life to come to terms with the reality of my looks and understand that my mother had a lot of insecurity and cruelness in her own world view. I was just the scapegoat.
On her death bed she said to me, “I wish you had never been born.” I left the room, she died and that was that. She was dead and I was free of all the years of emotional abuse. I know this sounds cold, but she was never a mother to me. She was a constant voice telling me that I was fat, dumb or ugly. I have never needed to grieve her but I did need to go to therapy to learn that I was actually pretty and poised. I now look in the mirror and see a woman with wrinkles that show I have lived a life full of pain, sorrow and joy. I have a waddle, but so what? I try to be the best I can with what I have to work with at this age. Life hasn’t been easy (whose has?) but I am grateful for each day that I can live and feel the self confidence that alluded me for so many years.